August 26

I got the book “What Women Fear” by Angie Smith for my anniversary.  Today I read chapter 4 and several things stood out. 

1 - “I know plenty of people who went headfirst into the job they were sure God had chosen for them, only to discover that they were miserable.  The amazing thing is that the Lord used all of the circumstances to bring them to a deeper place of trust with Him and they chose to walk in that fullness. So maybe the success wasn’t in the job working out the way they anticipated, but rather in actions that continue to obey despite the fear.” (page 69)

It is also possible that circumstances could force you into a job that you are sure will make you miserable, but that God uses that job to bring things into our life or show you things about yourself that make your life much richer than it could have ever been without that job.

2 - “ (in reference to Numbers 20:10) Failure was a result of his disobedience, even though water did come forth from the rock. Again we see the correlation between God’s wrath and the state of Moses’ heart.  He was in prideful rebellion instead of humble submission.

   As I consider what God is calling me to do, despite my own misgivings, I need to remember the staff given to me.

   In the midst of my fear, He hands it to me as a reminder of His great power.  I am blessed in using it in exactly the way He instructs, and held accountable for the times I try to claim it as my own.

   … (Failure is) telling God you don’t want to do what He is telling you to do.  It’s telling God you aren’t capable of doing what He is telling you to do.”

I have to consider my definition of success here.  As I look back at the way the events of the last 6 weeks have unfolded, I can’t see anything that we missed that would have prevented us from being at this point.  God is not surprised or disappointed that we are here.  He must have something for us here.  Instead of holding the staff and allowing it to solidly anchor me to my faith, I have been waving it around and striking everything hoping I could produce some magical solution.  Until I can settle myself into trusting Him, I will not find any peace or rest in this situation.  This is not my problem to fix.

3 - “”Do I not send you?”

Once we are certain we have heard from the Lord, we should proceed in full confidence, even when it seems He is sending us headfirst into certain failure.  I believe that God chose men like Gideon to each us that we don’t win because of our superior intellect or our incredible ability, but rather the favor of God which rests on those who trust Him.” (page 77)

On one hand, I know without a doubt that my husband has a very clear call to develop the new ministry.  On the other hand, the whole concept of raising personal support seems like  we are speeding headfirst into certain failure.  I have to trust that God has a plan, because there is no other way for this to work.  Not to mention every time over the last few weeks that I have attempted to come up with a plan, I end up with a panic attack or thoughts of suicide, neither of which are the least bit helpful in resolving the situation.

August 25

     About a month ago, I got an email from the kids school letting me know that because of people complaining that the work load was too much, they are reducing the required curriculum to just what is required by the state of Oregon.  This year they are only sending Language Arts, Math and Science courses.  I double checked it with the local middle schools I and sure enough history is not taught in Oregon until high school.  Fortunately, ORVA is still offering history, music, art, and foreign language but they are electives that will be selected and shipped when school starts if students want them.  The idea that I might have to put my kids into the regular school system here scares me.  

My son is highly gifted and has most of the negative perfectionism and social issues that come with that, but they don’t have GT services until 6th grade. This would mean that even though he is working on a 7th grade level in math and a 10th grade level in reading, he would be put in a regular 5th grade class.  I am sure they would see the behavior plan on file from his first grade year here and he would end up spending most of the year in the councilors office frustrated and desperate for someone to teach him something.  I vividly remember the dinners where we would ask about school and he would break down in tears wanting to know when he was going to learn something new.  

On the other hand, housing, feeding and clothing him is more important than educating him.  Every time I look at a job option I wonder am I denying the power of God to provide for us, or is me working how he wants to provide?  Is my lack of faith going to hurt my children emotionally, mentally and/or spiritually or will they see me going back to work as God providing for our family?  Most good jobs here pay $12-15/hour, which means working full-time I would make right at $2000 per month before taxes.  Once they take taxes, we wouldn’t even have enough left to pay rent.  It also means that daycare is not an option, so the older two would have to care for the 4-year-old while doing their school work on their own.  ORVA is expanding their curriculum to include a free pre-school this year.  I was going to sign Keturah up before all this happened, but now I can’t because I probably won’t be here to work with her and I can’t put it on the other two kids, who will have their own school to do.  

I hear people talk about how God cares about all the little details of life but I am not sure I believe that anymore.  These things don’t feel like details to me.  We don’t have any college funds set up and so I was counting on giving the kids a decent education to help them with college.  Neither staying home with the kids or home-schooling were in my plans.  I fought both of them for a long time before conceding that it was what God wanted for my family.  I have missed being in a classroom nearly every day of the last 4 years.  People are constantly commenting that I light up when I talk about teaching.  The fact that I may have to return to work and that God has clearly denied any chance of me going back to the classroom is like salt rubbed in the wound.  If I have to leave my kids, then why can’t it be to do something I am good and that I enjoy that feeds my soul.  Does it make me a conceited person to think I am too good or it would be a waste of my time and talent to be a grocery store clerk?  Is all this just wasted time because God has some grand plan to provide for us that will make it all irrelevant?

My garden has become my refuge this summer.  I try to spend time there every day.  When I am there I look for all the changes in the plants.  Things are growing they are blooming, life is being lived.  Today I planted some seeds for a winter garden harvest to remind myself that I will still be here in the winter.  I need these small things to keep me going most days because the big picture gets so over whelming that I just want to do anything to make the pain stop.  I want to be strong.  I want to walk though this with the grace and dignity that we associate with people of great faith. But more than anything I want to know that it will all be alright and that I will still be breathing on the other side.

August 21

    I got a letter from OFSET (no idea what that stands for) today, informing me that I must attend a meeting on September 2nd.  As part of being on SNAP (food assistance), I was referred to them for employment help.  The letter said that anyone caring for a child under 6 would be excused from this requirement.  However, when I called I was told that since there are two adults in the house one of us must participate.  Instead of throwing my husband under the bus, I will be going to the meeting.  It will be better for me to do these meetings and give my husband the time he needs to focus on support raising.

     The letter was a form letter but it was full of a lot of threatening language which I found really offensive for a first letter.  Not to mention we don’t start getting benefits until Sept. 6 but they are threatening to take them away if we don’t meet on the 2nd.  I also understand that there is a real need to help people with resumes and job searches to limit the amount of time they need government assistance.  However, shouldn’t we get at least one month to try and get our feet back under us and make a game plan before the government pays someone to do it for us.

     The other problem is that they require you to accept any job offered to you while working with them.  That statement scares me because I don’t want just any job, especially if that job doesn’t pay the bills.  Not to mention I homeschool our kids so I really don’t want a job that has me out of the house all day every day.  

     Hopefully once I get there and talk with someone, they will be completely understanding and willing to give us at least one month to see if the fund raising thing can work for us.

August 15

     Today Paul and I celebrated 17 years of marriage.We spent the afternoon together playing Phase 10 and then went out to dinner.  A friend of our had given us two $10 bonus cards from PF Changs.  We didn’t notice until after dinner that they expired on July 31st, but I had a little extra cash tucked away so it was alright.  

     The best part of the day was that Paul had purchased my gift several weeks ago and kept it from me.  He hasn’t done this for any occasion since we were married.  It was starting to make me feel as if I wasn’t important enough to warrant and forethought, because he always ran out to get me something on the day of.  I know that is really just his personality but as the one that spends months planning cakes, parties and presents for him and the kids, it was nice to know someone thought of me more than 24 hours in advance.

August 10

       Today I met with DHS (Department of Human Services) to go over our food benefits.  Starting in September our entire food budget will be covered by them.  They even cover seeds for the garden, so if I can find seeds at a retail that takes the Oregon Trail card, I won’t have to give up my plan for a winter garden this year.  

       Two of my really amazing friends took me out to dinner tonight.  It was great to be able to get away from everything for a while and feel normal.  For the first time in too long, I was able to get my thoughts off all the problems threatening to overwhelm me.  Those two women will be forever in my heart because they helped me look past my problems and  remember how to laugh.  Oh how I needed to laugh this evening.

       My brother and sister in law have also been a tremendous support for us this week. They have helped us go through the budget to find places to cut.  Sometimes a second set of eyes is really helpful when distinguishing between needs and wants.  I had already cut the cable bill in half.  We have to have internet for the kids school but the rest is not necessary.  They suggested that we look at switching the phones to T-mobile and switching our car insurance.  Those aren’t going to provide huge cuts but every little bit helps right now.  They are also going to cover the kids gymnastics for this semester, since this is occurring during the sign-up time for all fall activities.  Thank God for friends and family who are willing to walk through the tough times with you.  

August Begins

Aug 2 - Facebook Post

In the last few days, John Paul wore out his tennis shoe sandals, I found out that our house guest were going to be spending the first 3 weeks of August here instead of going to California, I was turned down for the job I interviewed for, John's tooth ache turned out to be an abscessed tooth and another one has a cavity, we discovered one of our new chicks is actually a rooster, and yesterday the check engine light on my car came on. Everywhere I turn there is another problem needing my attention and money and I just need a break.

Aug 3 - 

My husband met with Act Beyond today.  They informed him that the funds for the grant they had promised him can’t be released yet.  The grant was a matching grant so they can’t use any of the money until they have raised the matching funds.  They are really hopeful that it won’t take long to get the rest of the money they need to release these funds, however releasing money requires a board action and the board doesn’t meet again until mid-September.  We can only hope that his current company allows him to stay on until October as he planned.

Aug 5 - 

Paul talked with the president of the company he works for today and was told his last day will be August 15th.  In ten days we will be completely without income and in 25 days we will no longer have medical insurance.  We have enough money in the bank to survive 2 weeks at our current level of expenses.  I know God has promised to provide but I am really just not seeing it.  I feel abandoned and betrayed on several different levels.  

Aug 6 - 

I completed two of the applications for government assistance today. As of September 1st our income will be around $400 and our expenses are ten times that amount, so we qualify for just about everything.  I am actually shocked by how well I am dealing with all of this.  If anyone would have ever proposed this as a hypothetical and asked me how I would respond, I would have told them that I would end up hospitalized on a suicide watch.  So far I am actually doing pretty good, and I know that is all due to the prayers of my family and friends.