August 25

     About a month ago, I got an email from the kids school letting me know that because of people complaining that the work load was too much, they are reducing the required curriculum to just what is required by the state of Oregon.  This year they are only sending Language Arts, Math and Science courses.  I double checked it with the local middle schools I and sure enough history is not taught in Oregon until high school.  Fortunately, ORVA is still offering history, music, art, and foreign language but they are electives that will be selected and shipped when school starts if students want them.  The idea that I might have to put my kids into the regular school system here scares me.  

My son is highly gifted and has most of the negative perfectionism and social issues that come with that, but they don’t have GT services until 6th grade. This would mean that even though he is working on a 7th grade level in math and a 10th grade level in reading, he would be put in a regular 5th grade class.  I am sure they would see the behavior plan on file from his first grade year here and he would end up spending most of the year in the councilors office frustrated and desperate for someone to teach him something.  I vividly remember the dinners where we would ask about school and he would break down in tears wanting to know when he was going to learn something new.  

On the other hand, housing, feeding and clothing him is more important than educating him.  Every time I look at a job option I wonder am I denying the power of God to provide for us, or is me working how he wants to provide?  Is my lack of faith going to hurt my children emotionally, mentally and/or spiritually or will they see me going back to work as God providing for our family?  Most good jobs here pay $12-15/hour, which means working full-time I would make right at $2000 per month before taxes.  Once they take taxes, we wouldn’t even have enough left to pay rent.  It also means that daycare is not an option, so the older two would have to care for the 4-year-old while doing their school work on their own.  ORVA is expanding their curriculum to include a free pre-school this year.  I was going to sign Keturah up before all this happened, but now I can’t because I probably won’t be here to work with her and I can’t put it on the other two kids, who will have their own school to do.  

I hear people talk about how God cares about all the little details of life but I am not sure I believe that anymore.  These things don’t feel like details to me.  We don’t have any college funds set up and so I was counting on giving the kids a decent education to help them with college.  Neither staying home with the kids or home-schooling were in my plans.  I fought both of them for a long time before conceding that it was what God wanted for my family.  I have missed being in a classroom nearly every day of the last 4 years.  People are constantly commenting that I light up when I talk about teaching.  The fact that I may have to return to work and that God has clearly denied any chance of me going back to the classroom is like salt rubbed in the wound.  If I have to leave my kids, then why can’t it be to do something I am good and that I enjoy that feeds my soul.  Does it make me a conceited person to think I am too good or it would be a waste of my time and talent to be a grocery store clerk?  Is all this just wasted time because God has some grand plan to provide for us that will make it all irrelevant?

My garden has become my refuge this summer.  I try to spend time there every day.  When I am there I look for all the changes in the plants.  Things are growing they are blooming, life is being lived.  Today I planted some seeds for a winter garden harvest to remind myself that I will still be here in the winter.  I need these small things to keep me going most days because the big picture gets so over whelming that I just want to do anything to make the pain stop.  I want to be strong.  I want to walk though this with the grace and dignity that we associate with people of great faith. But more than anything I want to know that it will all be alright and that I will still be breathing on the other side.