August 26

I got the book “What Women Fear” by Angie Smith for my anniversary.  Today I read chapter 4 and several things stood out. 

1 - “I know plenty of people who went headfirst into the job they were sure God had chosen for them, only to discover that they were miserable.  The amazing thing is that the Lord used all of the circumstances to bring them to a deeper place of trust with Him and they chose to walk in that fullness. So maybe the success wasn’t in the job working out the way they anticipated, but rather in actions that continue to obey despite the fear.” (page 69)

It is also possible that circumstances could force you into a job that you are sure will make you miserable, but that God uses that job to bring things into our life or show you things about yourself that make your life much richer than it could have ever been without that job.

2 - “ (in reference to Numbers 20:10) Failure was a result of his disobedience, even though water did come forth from the rock. Again we see the correlation between God’s wrath and the state of Moses’ heart.  He was in prideful rebellion instead of humble submission.

   As I consider what God is calling me to do, despite my own misgivings, I need to remember the staff given to me.

   In the midst of my fear, He hands it to me as a reminder of His great power.  I am blessed in using it in exactly the way He instructs, and held accountable for the times I try to claim it as my own.

   … (Failure is) telling God you don’t want to do what He is telling you to do.  It’s telling God you aren’t capable of doing what He is telling you to do.”

I have to consider my definition of success here.  As I look back at the way the events of the last 6 weeks have unfolded, I can’t see anything that we missed that would have prevented us from being at this point.  God is not surprised or disappointed that we are here.  He must have something for us here.  Instead of holding the staff and allowing it to solidly anchor me to my faith, I have been waving it around and striking everything hoping I could produce some magical solution.  Until I can settle myself into trusting Him, I will not find any peace or rest in this situation.  This is not my problem to fix.

3 - “”Do I not send you?”

Once we are certain we have heard from the Lord, we should proceed in full confidence, even when it seems He is sending us headfirst into certain failure.  I believe that God chose men like Gideon to each us that we don’t win because of our superior intellect or our incredible ability, but rather the favor of God which rests on those who trust Him.” (page 77)

On one hand, I know without a doubt that my husband has a very clear call to develop the new ministry.  On the other hand, the whole concept of raising personal support seems like  we are speeding headfirst into certain failure.  I have to trust that God has a plan, because there is no other way for this to work.  Not to mention every time over the last few weeks that I have attempted to come up with a plan, I end up with a panic attack or thoughts of suicide, neither of which are the least bit helpful in resolving the situation.

August 25

     About a month ago, I got an email from the kids school letting me know that because of people complaining that the work load was too much, they are reducing the required curriculum to just what is required by the state of Oregon.  This year they are only sending Language Arts, Math and Science courses.  I double checked it with the local middle schools I and sure enough history is not taught in Oregon until high school.  Fortunately, ORVA is still offering history, music, art, and foreign language but they are electives that will be selected and shipped when school starts if students want them.  The idea that I might have to put my kids into the regular school system here scares me.  

My son is highly gifted and has most of the negative perfectionism and social issues that come with that, but they don’t have GT services until 6th grade. This would mean that even though he is working on a 7th grade level in math and a 10th grade level in reading, he would be put in a regular 5th grade class.  I am sure they would see the behavior plan on file from his first grade year here and he would end up spending most of the year in the councilors office frustrated and desperate for someone to teach him something.  I vividly remember the dinners where we would ask about school and he would break down in tears wanting to know when he was going to learn something new.  

On the other hand, housing, feeding and clothing him is more important than educating him.  Every time I look at a job option I wonder am I denying the power of God to provide for us, or is me working how he wants to provide?  Is my lack of faith going to hurt my children emotionally, mentally and/or spiritually or will they see me going back to work as God providing for our family?  Most good jobs here pay $12-15/hour, which means working full-time I would make right at $2000 per month before taxes.  Once they take taxes, we wouldn’t even have enough left to pay rent.  It also means that daycare is not an option, so the older two would have to care for the 4-year-old while doing their school work on their own.  ORVA is expanding their curriculum to include a free pre-school this year.  I was going to sign Keturah up before all this happened, but now I can’t because I probably won’t be here to work with her and I can’t put it on the other two kids, who will have their own school to do.  

I hear people talk about how God cares about all the little details of life but I am not sure I believe that anymore.  These things don’t feel like details to me.  We don’t have any college funds set up and so I was counting on giving the kids a decent education to help them with college.  Neither staying home with the kids or home-schooling were in my plans.  I fought both of them for a long time before conceding that it was what God wanted for my family.  I have missed being in a classroom nearly every day of the last 4 years.  People are constantly commenting that I light up when I talk about teaching.  The fact that I may have to return to work and that God has clearly denied any chance of me going back to the classroom is like salt rubbed in the wound.  If I have to leave my kids, then why can’t it be to do something I am good and that I enjoy that feeds my soul.  Does it make me a conceited person to think I am too good or it would be a waste of my time and talent to be a grocery store clerk?  Is all this just wasted time because God has some grand plan to provide for us that will make it all irrelevant?

My garden has become my refuge this summer.  I try to spend time there every day.  When I am there I look for all the changes in the plants.  Things are growing they are blooming, life is being lived.  Today I planted some seeds for a winter garden harvest to remind myself that I will still be here in the winter.  I need these small things to keep me going most days because the big picture gets so over whelming that I just want to do anything to make the pain stop.  I want to be strong.  I want to walk though this with the grace and dignity that we associate with people of great faith. But more than anything I want to know that it will all be alright and that I will still be breathing on the other side.

August 21

    I got a letter from OFSET (no idea what that stands for) today, informing me that I must attend a meeting on September 2nd.  As part of being on SNAP (food assistance), I was referred to them for employment help.  The letter said that anyone caring for a child under 6 would be excused from this requirement.  However, when I called I was told that since there are two adults in the house one of us must participate.  Instead of throwing my husband under the bus, I will be going to the meeting.  It will be better for me to do these meetings and give my husband the time he needs to focus on support raising.

     The letter was a form letter but it was full of a lot of threatening language which I found really offensive for a first letter.  Not to mention we don’t start getting benefits until Sept. 6 but they are threatening to take them away if we don’t meet on the 2nd.  I also understand that there is a real need to help people with resumes and job searches to limit the amount of time they need government assistance.  However, shouldn’t we get at least one month to try and get our feet back under us and make a game plan before the government pays someone to do it for us.

     The other problem is that they require you to accept any job offered to you while working with them.  That statement scares me because I don’t want just any job, especially if that job doesn’t pay the bills.  Not to mention I homeschool our kids so I really don’t want a job that has me out of the house all day every day.  

     Hopefully once I get there and talk with someone, they will be completely understanding and willing to give us at least one month to see if the fund raising thing can work for us.

August 15

     Today Paul and I celebrated 17 years of marriage.We spent the afternoon together playing Phase 10 and then went out to dinner.  A friend of our had given us two $10 bonus cards from PF Changs.  We didn’t notice until after dinner that they expired on July 31st, but I had a little extra cash tucked away so it was alright.  

     The best part of the day was that Paul had purchased my gift several weeks ago and kept it from me.  He hasn’t done this for any occasion since we were married.  It was starting to make me feel as if I wasn’t important enough to warrant and forethought, because he always ran out to get me something on the day of.  I know that is really just his personality but as the one that spends months planning cakes, parties and presents for him and the kids, it was nice to know someone thought of me more than 24 hours in advance.

August 10

       Today I met with DHS (Department of Human Services) to go over our food benefits.  Starting in September our entire food budget will be covered by them.  They even cover seeds for the garden, so if I can find seeds at a retail that takes the Oregon Trail card, I won’t have to give up my plan for a winter garden this year.  

       Two of my really amazing friends took me out to dinner tonight.  It was great to be able to get away from everything for a while and feel normal.  For the first time in too long, I was able to get my thoughts off all the problems threatening to overwhelm me.  Those two women will be forever in my heart because they helped me look past my problems and  remember how to laugh.  Oh how I needed to laugh this evening.

       My brother and sister in law have also been a tremendous support for us this week. They have helped us go through the budget to find places to cut.  Sometimes a second set of eyes is really helpful when distinguishing between needs and wants.  I had already cut the cable bill in half.  We have to have internet for the kids school but the rest is not necessary.  They suggested that we look at switching the phones to T-mobile and switching our car insurance.  Those aren’t going to provide huge cuts but every little bit helps right now.  They are also going to cover the kids gymnastics for this semester, since this is occurring during the sign-up time for all fall activities.  Thank God for friends and family who are willing to walk through the tough times with you.  

August Begins

Aug 2 - Facebook Post

In the last few days, John Paul wore out his tennis shoe sandals, I found out that our house guest were going to be spending the first 3 weeks of August here instead of going to California, I was turned down for the job I interviewed for, John's tooth ache turned out to be an abscessed tooth and another one has a cavity, we discovered one of our new chicks is actually a rooster, and yesterday the check engine light on my car came on. Everywhere I turn there is another problem needing my attention and money and I just need a break.

Aug 3 - 

My husband met with Act Beyond today.  They informed him that the funds for the grant they had promised him can’t be released yet.  The grant was a matching grant so they can’t use any of the money until they have raised the matching funds.  They are really hopeful that it won’t take long to get the rest of the money they need to release these funds, however releasing money requires a board action and the board doesn’t meet again until mid-September.  We can only hope that his current company allows him to stay on until October as he planned.

Aug 5 - 

Paul talked with the president of the company he works for today and was told his last day will be August 15th.  In ten days we will be completely without income and in 25 days we will no longer have medical insurance.  We have enough money in the bank to survive 2 weeks at our current level of expenses.  I know God has promised to provide but I am really just not seeing it.  I feel abandoned and betrayed on several different levels.  

Aug 6 - 

I completed two of the applications for government assistance today. As of September 1st our income will be around $400 and our expenses are ten times that amount, so we qualify for just about everything.  I am actually shocked by how well I am dealing with all of this.  If anyone would have ever proposed this as a hypothetical and asked me how I would respond, I would have told them that I would end up hospitalized on a suicide watch.  So far I am actually doing pretty good, and I know that is all due to the prayers of my family and friends.  

July 27

      I had a job interview today.  It was completely nerve wrecking just in the fact that it all came about so fast and I haven’t done anything like this in nearly 10 years.  

     A little over a week ago a friend of mine mentioned that our local school district was hiring a lot of teachers this summer.  This was big news because they have been laying off teachers nearly every year since we moved to Oregon.  Last year I did the paperwork to get an Oregon teaching certificate so I could apply for the on-line school my kids attend, so I already had that piece in place.  I thought it was worth checking into since our family seems to be in a time of transition.  Could this be God opening a door for us?

      I checked for openings on the school website and sure enough there was a position open for a middle school science teacher not 3 miles from my house.  However the position was only accepting applications for the next 6 days.  I began working on the on-line application.  It took me over 8 hours to complete as there were 7 essay questions.  I submitted it and activated my prayer network.  They were asked to pray that I would only be offered the job if that is what God wants for my family.

      Two days later I got an email informing me that I was selected to interview for the position.  The interviews were scheduled for the following Monday.

      Whereas going back to work full-time will take a lot of financial strain off my family, there were several things that really concern me.  1) When I taught before it was all consuming, have I changed enough to be a more balanced person?  2) My kids attend school from home and are required to have a parent with them while they work.  How will this disrupt their schooling?  Is it possible for me to manage their school work  in the evenings after working all day or will we have to put them in a more traditional school?  3) I really don’t like many things about the Oregon educational system.  Can I work in it without offending my co-workers?  The main reason Oregonians don't like people from California is that the Californians are always saying things like, "In California we do it this way."  I can't imagine they would be any more receptive to me comparing everything to the way I did it in Texas.  

       I spent the weekend getting my portfolio ready and praying.  This is a huge step of faith for me.  Not just the interview but also trusting that if God gives me this job, He would have a plan for working out all the details that my going back to work would mess up for my family


.

       The interview went pretty well but I didn’t walk away feeling confident.  Something was off, but I can’t figure out what it was.  It reminded me of being on an interview committee a few years ago.  We knew that we were going to hire the long-term substitute that had been working with us for 5 months, however the district required that we interview at least 3 people before they could make an offer.  Today the people were friendly but a few of them were very stand-offish, I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that they were in the same position of having to do interviews when a decision had already been made.  We will see…

A few shots from my teaching days.

August 20

    I called the healthcare office today to see why they haven’t called us.  We got a letter on Aug. 6th saying that we qualified for Medicaid and that they would be calling to let us know all the details.  

    They have a pre-recorded message that basically says it will take 45 days to process applications after you have been qualified, so if it hasn’t been at least 45 days from your letter then don’t bother their customer service agents.  My kids loose their health coverage in 10 days and I shouldn’t bother your customer service people.  

     I am still struggling to understand how we can be declared eligible and our coverage begin on the date of the letter (August 6th) but they need another 45 days to process the paperwork and get us policy information.  Welcome to things run by the federal government.

     This has also lead me to consider the point, purpose and value of health insurance in general.  Once we are back on our feet, we will be paying over $1000/month for medical insurance and budgeting and other $150 for copays and prescriptions.  That is $13,800 per year.  I have a hard time believing that we would actually spend that in a normal year without insurance, but that is how they get you.  No one can be sure they will have a normal hospital free year, especially when you have 3 kids.  There are options with cheaper premiums but the deductibles are $10k to $16k, which completely defeats the purpose of insurance to begin with.  

Update (August 26th)- I refilled my 2 prescriptions last week so I would have them when our insurance coverage ended.  They came today and according to the papers with them the regular cost was over $1000.  These aren’t new medications but routine birth control and ADHD meds.  When you consider my oldest also has ADHD, my son has asthma and excema, two of us carry Epipens for severe allergies and we do occasionally get sick, maybe we would spend over $13,800 in a year without the insurance.

July 15

        My husband has resigned from his job.  He feels God calling him to train and mentor church planters and his current job won’t allow him the time he wants to spend on it.  The organization he works for has a branch that is dedicated to church planters and that is where he used to work.  However 4 years ago they needed someone innovative to take over a city ministry and asked him to do it.  Last January he meet with the president of the company and asked what it would take to go back to the church planting side of things and was told that it would be another 2-5 years before that would be possible.  At that point he felt like God released him from working with the company.  Now 6 months later, he has resigned.  

         The date he gave on the resignation letter was October 15th.  There is a big fundraising event for the city ministry on October 3rd and he wanted to see that through.  It will also give the company time to find a new city director and allow, them to train and have a very smooth transition.  Above all, my husband wants to leave with integrity making the transition as easy as possible for everyone.  Unfortunately, the director of human resources said that they only allow people to work 30 days from the resignation so we will have to see if they allow him to stay until October. 

          After his time at this job is done, we will become support raising ministers.  That is we will have to get a lot of people to believe in what we are doing enough to give us money each month for us to live and run the ministry.  When we first discussed this, nearly a year ago, the plan was to be completely out of debt and have 4-6 months of income in the bank before we made any transition.  It can take a long time to raise enough funding to be fully supported so we thought this was a solid plan.  I would love to say that it worked that way.

          There is an organization called Act Beyond that has agreed to a strategic partnership with my husband’s new ministry.  They are offering a grant that will support us up to $50,000 to give us time to raise support.  This is what gave him the confidence to resign before we had anything in place to help us through the transition.

Letting Go of the Basket

I am sure the first time I heard the story of baby Moses I was still in diapers.  It is just one of those stories that is told over and over again to kids in church.  It is an amazing story of how God took this little baby, who was supposed to be killed at birth and not only saved his life but allowed him to be raised in a palace by a real princess.  When he grew up he went on to do many more really cool things.  

A few of the times that I heard this story over the years, someone would mention Jochebed.  I bet that name doesn’t ring a bell for you though.  She was the mother Moses.  She gave birth to him.  She hid him.  She nursed him.  She put him a basket and let him go in the river.  Whenever she is brought up, it has always been in the context of how hard it must of been to hide an infant from the Egyptian soldiers or the wonderful way that God blessed her faithfulness by bringing her back into her son’s life as his wet nurse.  

The women’s group I am in is currently going through the study Seamless by Angie Smith.  First I have to say this is the hands down best study I have done in a really long time.  This morning though, Angie made me see this story in a whole new light.

This is a picture of my son at 3 months old.

 At 3 months of age babies start to settle into a routine and many start sleeping through the night or at least for longer stretches of it.  It is at this point that mothers start coming out of the fog that comes with child birth.  The baby starts to interact with you and reach for toys.  They smile. They laugh. They trust. It was at this point that Jochebad wrapped her son up, placed him in a basket, pushed him out into the river and watched the current carry him away from her.

Looking into the eyes of my son, I am not sure I would have been able to let go of that basket.

As you can probably tell, this story took on a whole new level of understanding for me today. But the truth is not many of us really worry about having to give up our infants.  We can consider how hard it was, then be really thankful that we were not living in those times.  But the point of this story is that if Jochebad hadn't trusted God enough to let go of that basket, Moses wouldn't have been in a position to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.  All of those cool Moses stories, the burning bush, the plagues, the passover, the parting of the Red Sea, leading the people to the Promised Land.... They all started with a mother's act of shear faith. God hadn't sent her an angel or a prophet to let her know it was all going to be alright. She just had to trust, with no guarantees or promises.

One reason this hit me so hard today, is because my life is extremely unsettled right now.  My husband is transitioning from a nice secure job with benefits to being a self-supported missionary.  God is asking me to trust Him on a much greater scale than I ever have and I am scared to death. I have a basket.  I have not been asked to place a child inside it, but it contains our financial security, all my hopes and dreams for myself and my children.  I feel as if I am sitting on the edge of the river and I just can't seem to let go.

I wonder if a year from now or five years from now, if my children will come visit me at this river.  They can come watch as I push this basket around in the reeds along the banks, my knuckles white from holding it so tightly.  While they are there I can teach them about God, about His amazing love and faithfulness, about His promises.  Then they will leave again and wonder if I truly believe all of that, then why won't I let go of the basket and come home with them.  

Type A

     I would be described by everyone who knows me as an extreme Type A personality.  According to Wikipedia, a Type A people are "ambitious, rigidly organized, highly status-conscious, sensitive, impatient, take on more than they can handle, want other people to get to the point, anxious, proactive, and concerned with time management. People with Type A personalities are often high-achieving "workaholics" who multi-task, push themselves with deadlines, and hate both delays and ambivalence."

    Unfortunately there isn't anything in the list I can really disagree with and most of them are complicated by my ADHD.  I have very rigid systems of organization, which I struggle to keep up with and maintain but that I can't seem to let go of either.  On one hand this is a great coping strategy for managing my ADHD but on the other it adds a lot of stress.  I HATE small talk.  If you have something to say then please say it quickly before my mind wanders off.  I LOVE to take a proactive approach to everything.  In college I typically had every assignment done within 2 weeks of the due date.  I want to know what's expected in time to plan and strategize so that I can meet or exceed the expectations.  You never know what is going to happen so putting things off is a recipe for disaster.  People with a laissez-faire attitude drive me up the wall.  Things don't just happen, even elementary kids know that to get an effect there must be a cause.  If you want a specific effect then you must plan and do specific things.

     The problem is that no matter how much structure I try to build into my life, no matter how much I plan.  There are things I cannot control.  Most of the time these are normal life things that I can work around, but sometimes they are major. They are over whelming and they decimate every plan, every structure, every backup system I have.  Without those things, I loose all sense of security and peace. During these times I have a hard time holding on.  I love the song Need You Now by Plumb, because it speaks to these times. Here are the lyrics for the second verse and chorus:

Standing on a road I didn't plan 

Wondering how I got to where I am 

I'm trying to hear that still small voice 

I'm trying to hear above the noise 

How many times have you heard me cry out 

"God please take this"? 

How many times have you given me strength to 

Just keep breathing? 

Oh I need you 

God, I need you now. 

     Sometimes the best thing we can do is to "Just keep breathing".  There is no way to plan your way out of some events or circumstances.  It is like a roller coaster, you just have to hold on and trust that eventually the ride will end.

Lonely but Never Alone

    I recently read a blog post by Momastery that detailed the day of a mother.  In it she used the phrase "Lonely but never alone" and it has clung to me.  I think it is a feeling most stay-at-home moms know well but I had never really articulated it.
    There have been many times when Paul would keep the kids so I could run errands by myself.  I really appreciated not having to drag the kids along on these trips but they nearly always left me feeling down and depressed.  Occasionally he will take all three kids out, so I can have some alone time.  Whereas the I always jump at the chance to get things done around the house without constantly being interrupted by a child, I typically end up in tears while they are gone.
     I think the problem is one of communication.  You read everywhere how mom's need time away from the kids, and this is often interpreted as needing "alone time".  For myself I think it would be more accurate to say I need "me time".  Time where the only thing I have to worry about is me.  Time where I can interact with adults and not discuss the kids or the house in any way.  Time to know that I still exist as a person and not just an unnoticed servant.
    Recently I have been considering returning to work.  I think a big part of this desire comes from wanting to have a purpose beyond my house.  To have tasks and goals that I can complete and not have to redo them tomorrow.  To speak with people who notice and appreciate what I do, at least some of the time.
     I know it is the end of the school year and things are always harder because no one has any motivation left.  Hopefully once summer arrives, I will be able to get out more and my attitude will once again see being alone with the kids as a blessing.  There is always hope because deep down I know this is just a season and will soon pass.

I Had a Plan

       I went to the doctor for my yearly examine and we were discussing my kids.  My daughter was 7 and my son was 4.  The doctor looked at me and said, "Are you done?  Because if you are done there are some more permanent options for birth control that we can look at."  I just stared at him with that question echoing around in my head.  "Are you done?"  I looked at him and responded, "I don't know."  He laughed and said that when I figured it out to let him know.
      That evening I told my husband about the appointment and the question.  He didn't have any better answer than I did.  It kind of surprised me that for someone who likes to have everything planned out I hadn't considered whether or not we would have more children.  In my heart, I had always wanted for but life gets complicated and we had two.  After much deliberation we decided to try for one more,  I just couldn't find any contentment in saying we were done.
     We had another daughter in January 2011, our son was 5 and our oldest daughter was 9.  Since there is a big age gap between the youngest and the older two, I thought that we might have a fourth.  However we moved to Oregon instead.  Now that she is 4 years old, I have become resigned to the idea that our family is done, at least from a biological stand point.  Having another baby at this point would just be starting over, the ages would be too far for them to really play together and my body is not what it used to be.
     After talking to my doctor, I scheduled an appointment for the essure procedure.  It is a simple procedure performed in the doctor's office, where springs are inserted into the fallopian tubes.  This causes the tubes to become permanently blocked resulting in sterilization.  It is by far the least complicated and easiest form of human sterilization.
     Yesterday my husband took off work so he could be with me (and drive) for the procedure.  We got to the office at 12:15 and had to pick up a Lorazapan and Hydrocodone from the pharmacy.  At the doctor's office they did a quick pregnancy test to ensure the doctor wouldn't run into any extremely unexpected during the procedure.  They gave me a shot of pain killer and I took the pills from the pharmacy.  Once those had kicked in they use Lidocaine to numb everything on the inside.  After 20 minutes of letting everything kick in, they took me back to the procedure room for the estimated 10 minute procedure.  My uterus was inflated with saline, which wasn't nearly as bad as it sounds probably because of all the drugs.  The scope was inserted and they quickly found both my tubes, clear and open.  The cool part was that we had a monitor and could watch the whole thing.  The doctor threaded the Essure devise in along side the scope and straight into the tube.  Well that was the plan.  As soon as the tip of the devise went into the tube, it clamped down.  I didn't realize how muscular these little tubes were.  They tried the other side, same result.  They pulled everything out and waited ten minutes and tried again.  Same result.  The second the little tip of the device entered the tube it clamped down.  Even with all the drugs I was on I could feel a strong cramp on whatever side they were working on.  They held the tip in the tube for several minutes hoping it would realize it was reacting to nothing, but apparently my tubes are smarter than that.  After 45 minutes of trying to coax these little tubes to cooperate, the procedure was stopped.
      The doctor would like for me to reschedule another attempt to see if my tubes would be more cooperative on another day.  I have my doubts.  However there is no other procedure that can be done in the doctors office and only has a one day recovery.  So the question is do we continue to pursue sterilization or just use contraceptives until nature takes care of the sterilization?  Maybe this is a sign from God that we are not done having children...  Although I really doubt that for a multitude of reasons: my age, my kids ages, finances, living arrangement, employment possibilities, ministry options.....
       In all of this I think the hardest thing for me was that I had a plan.  I spent years considering and months planning this appointment.  It was supposed to work.  I hadn't considered the possibility that it might not (there was a less than 5% chance of this happening).  I HAD A PLAN

Tribute to Nugget

      I am sad to inform you that our little chicken Nugget died on Sunday.  She has always had crop issues, which I believe were the result of a birth defect.  Over the last few weeks, she stopped growing as quickly as Hobbit and she grew more and more lethargic in the days preceding her death.  The thing that breaks my heart the most though is that this was my oldest daughter's chick.  Her first chick turned out to be a rooster and now her second chick has died and she is taking it really hard.

   As sad as loosing a chick was, I think I was more frustrated than anything.  Chickens are social creatures that typically don't do well alone and we were left with one chick.  Hobbit is 7 weeks old, which is too young to join the big girls outside but who will need companionship.  It is possible for the family to become her "flock" and fill that social void, however, my research on this indicated that if she truly bonds with the family and no other chickens then moving her into the real flock could be extremely difficult.  The other problem with this is that we would only be moving one chick into the flock so all the natural bullying to establish peeking order would be focused on her alone.

     It seemed we didn't have another choice but to get another chick.  Not just any chick, but one that was as close to Hobbit in age as possible.  Feed stores typically sell chicks that are only a few days old, and that would create the same problem as moving Hobbit outside.  Where to find a 7 week old chick?  

   Yesterday was memorial day, so we all went out to Heart 2 Heart Farms.  I remembered a Facebook post they did shortly before we got out chicks that announced the hatching of 150 chicks.  The chicks they have were hatched on March 12th making them about 10 weeks old.  I really wanted a chick within 2 weeks of Hobbit in age but that was just not to be.  Meet our newest chick: Zelda.

   Zelda is a Barred Rock chicken, which means she should be very friendly and lay brown eggs.  Whereas I typically don't believe you should replace a pet before really having a chance to grieve it, circumstances required us to bring another chick in as soon as we could.  

    How is it going?  Well it has only been about 16 hours since we brought Zelda home.  She was used to free ranging in a chicken tractor with about a dozen other chicks and now is in a rubbermaid tote with one other chick.  She was used to being the smallest of the flock (that was one of the main reasons we chose her) and is now the biggest.   She is loving being the dominant chick and tries to keep Hobbit away from her newly claimed sources of food and water.  I am hoping that over the next few days the need for companionship will out weigh the need for dominance and they will settle into a mutual friendship.   After all they only have 4 more weeks before they must face the big girls together.

How Was Your Day?

Yesterday I read a blog post by Glennon Doyle Melton, who is more commonly known as the author of the blog Momastery.  The post was really about asking questions that build relationships but the way she started it, spoke deeply to me.  

"When Craig returned each day at 6:00 pm (he actually returned at 5:50 but took a STUNNINGLY LONG TIME TO GET THE MAIL) he’d walk through the door, smile, and say

“So! How was your day?”

For us it isn't checking the mail, but that Paul uses the ride home to touch base with various friends and coworkers.  Once he pulls into the driveway he has to finish up the call before coming in.  But the question is the same and I have never known how to respond.  She goes on to explain why this question is so hard for me to answer.

"The question would linger in the air for a moment while I stared at Craig and the baby shoved her hand in my mouth like they do—while the oldest screamed MOMMY I NEED HELP POOING from the bathroom and the middle one cried in the corner because I NEVER EVER EVER let her drink the dishwasher detergent. NOT EVER EVEN ONCE, MOMMY!!!

And I’d look down at my spaghetti stained pajama top, unwashed hair, and gorgeous baby on my hip—and my eyes would wander around the room, pausing to notice the toys peppering the floor and the kids’ stunning new art on the fridge . . .

And I’d want to say: How was my day?

Today has been a lifetime.

.... and it is not done yet.  The problem with the question is the past tense "was".  By dinner I am still a long way from knowing how it "was".  There is still a decent chance that dinner will be burned or that at least one of my kids will refuse to eat it.  In all likelihood we will discover chores that were left undone or half done.  Then there will be all sorts of moaning and gnashing of teeth.  And lets not forget school, it is a rare day that I actually get the grading done before dinner.  Surely if one of the kids failed an assessment or didn't understand an assignment they would have let me know during the day, after all that is the great part of homeschool, I am here to help ALL DAY.  But my kids like to surprise me with these things, when I finally get a chance to sit down and go over their school work.  
       I think a better question would be, "What can I do to help with dinner?" or "Would you like me to check the school work, while you finish cooking?"  
       Now I want to be sure you understand.  I  am NOT saying that stay-at-home parents work more or harder than their spouses.  It is just that our day can't be as easily divided into nice home/work/home sections and it is a lot harder for us to analyze how it was because it is all one big chunk.  It is impossible to stop two/thirds of the way through and decide how it was as a whole.

"How was my day? Today has been a lifetime. It was the best of times and the worst of times.... I was both lonely and absolutely desperate to be alone. ... I was simultaneously bored out of my skull and completely overwhelmed with so much to do. Today was too much and not enough." - See more at: http://momastery.com/blog/2014/01/16/save-relationships-ask-right-questions/#sthash.45LcLvk9.dpuf

EGG-cellent News

    Yesterday, while I was working outside there was a racket inside the coop.  When I went to investigate, I found the dog in the coop and Mrs. Cluckers having a fit about it.  I told the dog to get out and had my daughter check the inside to make sure everything was alright.  She opened the coop door and found this:

Our First Egg!

    I know it looks more white in the picture but it is actually a green color.  The color means that it had to have been laid by Ninja as she is an Ameraucana, the other two chickens are Orpington's which will lay brown eggs.  So after 26 weeks of waiting we finally have an egg!
    The strangest thing about it was Mrs. Cluckers behavior.  Once the egg was removed from the coop, she kept looking for it.  She would go in and scratch around, then come out and search all over the run.  She went through the yard, then back to the coop over and over all afternoon.  The other two chickens were completely unconcerned and ignored her apparent distress.  Seeing her that worked up over Ninja's missing egg, makes wonder how she will respond to our egg gathering once she starts laying her own eggs.  It could get interesting.

AWANA

      My biggest weakness as a parent, wife, friend, and member of the human race is inconsistency.  Many times I have great plans but completely fail in following through with them.  (insert rant on living with ADHD)  For the most part I have come to accept that this is just something I have to deal with and try not to be too hard on myself.  However, when it comes to parenting the price of inconsistency can be very high and the guilt of knowing what you should do and just not being able to do it can be overwhelming.  That is why programs like scouts and AWANA are so important to me.  They provide the structure and accountability, I need to help me be the parent I want to be.
      AWANA stands for Approved Warriors Are Not Afraid.  It is a children's bible memory program that is put on by many churches.  My oldest 2 kids started participating in it when we were still in Texas.  When we moved to Oregon, finding a church with an AWANA program was very important to me.  I believe that programs like this are instrumental in creating a strong foundation for a child to grow in their faith.
     Of course you don't have to have a program like this to give your kids a good foundation.  You could discuss scripture at the dinner table and have weekly family memory verses.  I know families who do this very consistently and successfully.  Unfortunately, I can't seem to be consistent without a program for accountability so this works very well for my family.  Baylor University did a study of AWANA alumni and found that "Church attendance – 92.7 percent of Awana alumni continue to regularly attend church as adults,".  Considering how many kids drop out of church after high school, I think these numbers are significant.

John & Keturah getting awards for completing their books this year.

Starving Homesteader

       All I can say is that I am really thankful that farming is a hobby and not a way of life for us.  If we had to depend on my ability to get food from the ground in order to survive, I am not sure we would make it.
      So far this season I have planted spinach, kale, broccoli, green beans, carrots, zucchini, potatoes, tomatoes, and egg plant.  In all honesty, most of these haven't been planted long enough to know how they will do but the early results are not encouraging.  The first round of spinach and kale were eaten by the chickens and had to be replanted, but of the 50+ seeds planted of each we currently have 4 of each growing.  The broccoli sprouted well but the bugs seem to be eating the sprouts faster than they are growing so I am not sure if it will make it.
       Even my back up plans seems to be failing this year.  I planted 30 green beans outside, but after several weeks only about 4 had sprouted.  I "suggested" to my daughter that she grow green beans for her science fair project on germination rates (back up plan).  Once her project was complete we transplanted 15 of the plants outside to replace the ones that didn't sprout.  The transplanting went well and they started growing quickly.  Now they look like this:

This SHOULD be a row of 15 green bean plants nicely climbing the trellis.

     I am really starting to wonder if this whole grow your own food thing is even possible for me.  Maybe I am just ungifted in this area and should spend my time on other things.  Oh, it could be any number of other things, but when I read Facebook posts like the one below that a friend of mine posted yesterday, it makes me wonder if this just isn't in my skill set:

"Just needing to seed some lettuce and spinach and the garden is fully planted . . . planted the 9 tomatoes and 4 bell peppers today!  The green beans and peas are popping through the ground along with the 4 types of squash and cucumbers. The broccoli is already producing . . . the cauliflower and cabbage are forming heads. The brussel sprouts are growing rapidly! The kale should be ready to start harvesting in the next 2 weeks. The leeks and celery are really taking off. Carrots are breaking through the ground. The 4 types of potatoes are about 3 to 6 inches high already! I feel we are going to have an amazing harvest this year!

 — feeling thankful."

      As a teacher I had an instinct as to what would work with each kid.  I worked with a lot of new teachers and it wasn't hard to tell which ones had it and which didn't.  I had great people who truly loved kids but just couldn't figure out how to manage a class or reach the checked out kid.  Most of these people gave up on the profession after a couple of years.  Statistics show that 40% - 50% of teachers leave the profession within the first 5 years.  You don't have to have this natural instinct to teach.  I know a few teachers who have worked really hard and learned the skills they needed, but it is a lot harder for them.  I am beginning to believe that just like teaching, there is more to this kind of gardening than you can learn from books and such.  A lot of it is just a natural instinct that I seem to be missing.   
      I am not giving up, I have more green beans sprouting in cups in my living room as I type this and will continue to sprout and plant them until I run out of seeds.  However I think I need the reality check that sustainable living isn't an easy lifestyle choice.  It is not sitting in an orchard watching the kids play outside and sipping fresh lemonade.  It is making a choice to do all the work yourself and crashing in an exhausted heap under a tree for a few minutes, while blocking out the whine of children protesting that they can't be constantly plugged in to an electronic devise. Is it worth it? 
     

Garden Under Siege

   I knew we would have to have a plan to keep the chickens out of the garden but I do not think I fully understood the lengths the chickens would go to in order to get to the garden.  When I discovered the half eaten strawberries we covered them with bird netting.  A few days later, I went out to find this:

Omelet strolling through the strawberries UNDER the netting.

It was obvious that stronger measures were going to have to be taken if we are going to get anything from the garden this year.  The most effective thing would be to put a fence up across the garden area, however that is expensive and our budget for the garden has already been stretched.  Limited to materials that we had on hand this is what we have come up with:

The first time I covered the garden box I just put the stakes on the sides, however the chickens ignored all of it and just stood on the netting to eat the emerging seedlings.  I replanted the garden box and learned to tent the netting, which seems to be much more effective for that and the strawberries.  The round things behind the strawberries are protecting the zucchini seeds. 

 Along the fence we are growing pole beans and they are protected with netting until they are taller than the chickens.  The wire mesh arches are covering the broccoli seedlings and the posts in the front are holding netting over the carrots that were planted last weekend.

It is my hope that once everything has started growing well we will be able to remove most of these protections, but I am not sure that is a realistic hope.

Education - Standards

    Can you imagine a place where teachers were given no guidelines as to what should be taught?   A student could go all the way through school and never learn fractions because the early teachers considered it too hard for their students and the later teachers considered it too basic for them to spend time on.  Students in one school would be pushed to work well beyond their peers in another school, yet they would all compete for the same colleges and scholarships.
     State standards were put in place to ensure students in all schools in a state were being taught a minimum level of material at each grade.  This worked well for many decades, however as society has become more mobile more and more kids are moving across state lines.  A middle schooler moving from Texas to Oregon would find themselves at the top of the class with nothing much to learn for a year or two.  Whereas a middle schooler from Oregon moving to Texas, could easily find themselves in remedial classes, even if they had previously been an A student.  This discrepancy between states paired with a much more mobile society created a need for a national set of standards for all states to follow.  Thus Common Core was born.
     Common Core is simply a set of standards that has been adopted by all but 7 states.  As example from 4th grade math is "Find all factor pairs for a whole number in the range 1-100. Recognize that a whole number is a multiple of each of its factors. Determine whether a given whole number in the range 1-100 is a multiple of a given one-digit number. Determine whether a given whole number in the range 1-100 is prime or composite." You can read all of them here:  http://www.corestandards.org/read-the-standards/  They simply tell what a child should be able to do at each grade level.
     I understand that a lot of people don't like the federal government telling the states what should be taught.  I understand that there can be a lot of debate in what is appropriate for each grade level.  However I have been amazed at how a simple set of standards has come to represent everything people dislike about education.  I have personally heard common core blamed for: decreased recess time, too much homework, teaching evolution, and increased testing.
     First of all the standards only cover math and language arts.  They don't have anything to do with science, history, PE, music, or recess.  Second of all they just say what to teach.  The teachers themselves still teach.  There is not a specific set of worksheets or homework requirement that goes with common core.  Thirdly, testing existed long before common core.  The test have changed so that they address what the kids are learning but there is not more testing required by common core.
     I find it appalling that people have fallen for this smoke screen.  Schools, teachers, politicians and everyone in between have been blaming common core for all sorts of problems, that have nothing to do with common core.  It has become an easy target that is keeping everyone from looking for the real problems our education system is facing.  Common core is from the government which is a lot easier to blame than looking at the issues in our local schools.  

Oregon Education - History of The Test

     Everywhere I go I hear people talking about "the test", referring to the state tests given to students in 3rd-10th grades every spring.  Most people consider these tests a necessary evil for public education, although there is a growing trend to opt students out of the tests altogether.   However when you look at the history of these tests, it becomes apparent that they serve a necessary purpose for the good of students.

       Standardized testing was begun at the request of teachers for the benefit of students.

"1912 - As teachers began to see the discrepancies in subjective grading practices, it became clear that a more scientific method of testing students would be necessary as standard performance was impossible to gauge.  Educators who expressed concern regarding the assessment process, such as Whipple, Finkelstein, Strong, and Doll felt that marks given for the same subject, to the same students from different instructors varied so greatly that the grading procedure was an injustice to students (Giordano, 2005).  "

                       From: ruby.fgcu.edu/Courses/.../Timeline%20High%20Stakes%20Testing.doc
Teachers realized that the system was not fair.  How a student did in school was based on who their teacher 
was more than how much they learned.  The only way to equalize the grade was to give students the same
test and have it graded in the same way: to standardize. 

     After the great depression and world war 1, parents wanted to ensure their kids had every possible chance
 to succeed.  They began demanding standardized tests as a way to ensure all children were being given 
a quality education.

"1935 -The standards movement in the United States begins to emerge as a solution to the public’s demand for scholastic accountability.  The push to set and enforce teaching standards meshed well with the emphasis being placed on standardized tests (Giordano, 2005)."

                       From: ruby.fgcu.edu/Courses/.../Timeline%20High%20Stakes%20Testing.doc

     Not much changed in education for several decades, then the great space race began.

1958- Congress passed the National Defense Education Act (NDEA) in response to the Soviet launch of Sputnik.  This financial support made it possible for states to launch large scale testing programs through the use of standardized tests (Heubert et al, 1999).

1962- California legislators passed a mandatory testing law, acting on recommendations made by Governor Edmond G. Brown, who felt the state needed to measure the effectiveness of their schools (Giordano, 2005).

As a country we became focused on improving education, especially in math and science and the only way we could ensure students were learning was to test them.

        In the mid-80's business got involved.  They wanted to ensure that the students coming out of our high schools would be employable.  It was this Committee for Economic Development that suggested states intervene with low performing schools.  The purpose was not to punish schools or teachers but to ensure all students are given the best possible education.
 1985- The Committee for Economic Development, a research and educational organization by their own account, urged an alliance between educators and businesspeople who were concerned about students’ falling test scores.  They asked educators to recognize that for the students in their charge to become employable, they needed to possess problem-solving skills, a command of the English language, self-discipline, and the ability to acquire and apply new knowledge.  They encouraged states to “set standards, monitor achievement and intervene if schools fail to perform” and supported national standards of what students should know and be able to do in every subject area (Giordano, 2005).  

Thirty-three states had mandated some form of minimum competency testing (Heubert et al, 1999).

        Over and over again we see a continued concern for kids who are not succeeding.  Regardless of where the fault lays, there are groups of students who are not able to master the minimum expectations for a grade level and the only way we have to find them and provide help is to test them.

1997- President Clinton challenges the nation in his State of the Union address “to undertake ‘a national crusade for education standards – not federal government standards, but national standards, representing what all our students must know to succeed in the knowledge economy of the twenty-first century. . . Every state should adopt high national standards, and by 1999, every state should test every fourth-grader in reading and every eight-grader in math to make sure these standards are met. . . They can help us to end social promotion.  For no child should move from grade school to junior high, or junior high to high school until he or she is ready’” (Heubert et al, 1999).

2002- President Bush signs the No Child Left Behind Act (NCLB) into law.  NCLB was created to ensure the neediest children were not left behind in failing schools.  The new law increased accountability for states requiring them to set up curriculum standards, and mandated testing of all students in grades 3-8; schools required to make adequate yearly progress or face restructuring measures to get them in alignment with state standards; gave parents of students who attended low performing schools more choices of public schools their children could attend; allowed states more flexibility in the use of federal funding; and placed a greater emphasis on reading (Executive Summary, 2004).

       As you look through the history of standardized testing, the heart of the matter becomes clear.  These tests are supposed to identify the kids who need help so that they can be given the best possible chance of success.  Tests are the affirmative action plan of the education system.  Although they are not perfect in their construction or application, without them we would have wide spread discrimination in the quality of education students receive.  If we refuse to allow students to take them, or put so much pressure on kids that they freeze up the testing becomes invalid and those who need the most help won't get it.